Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
