The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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