theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
