how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
