you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
