What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
