why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
