Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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