My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
