I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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