is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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