its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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