Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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