Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
