If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Mom said you looked used
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
