This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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