I swear she didn't look like that last week.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
