I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
there is glitter all over my balls
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