His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize