i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
did i just pee glitter
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
