Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
