Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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