either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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