Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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