i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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