Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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