i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
