That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
