i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
