I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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