Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
