I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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