just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
