i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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