u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize