And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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