One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
