I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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