I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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