You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize