I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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