Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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