Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
