i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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