The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
