Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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