I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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