At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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