I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
