Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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