drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
