I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
