We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize