I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize