I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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