She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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